That Untouchable Feeling
That feeling. That untouchable feeling after you've been through a rough thing with someone else and somehow you've managed to survive and come out in one piece. Whole but harder for it. That untouchable feeling like no one is going to do that to you again and why don't they just try and see how far it gets them. You might go as far as to get yourself into another relationship, and test yourself by seeing how cold and realistic you can be and how far you can go without feeling something. Like a kind of messed up drinking contest where you down a gallon of whiskey and show off the fact that you're not drunk. That you can handle your booze. No sweat. That you can handle your emotions. No sweat. That you can go almost all the way and pull out right before you start to feel. What control you have. So proud of yourself.
You tell yourself that you're really doing it right now that this is good because now you've got a grip on the whole thing and that it was a good thing you grew up before you wrecked yourself on some stupid relationship you laugh at all the old things you used to do a month ago in the old days before you got wise, before you got hip to the fact that the only way to enjoy someone's company is to enjoy yourself on their time to be open about being closed to be honest with yourself about lying to yourself about using someone else's body to masturbate with instead of using your own. to come to the realization that the only way not to get hurt is to hurt someone else and keep it that way And somehow you make it all right you have a better understanding of yourself now.
And you've learned it's okay to feel good even if it's at someone else's expense. It's okay because now you are your own best friend No one loves you like you do, you've got to look out for number one, because that's the only one that matters. You tell yourself that you've been through the wringer and you're smarter, stronger, tougher now because of your trials When really you are meaner, more petty and cruel than you've ever been and it doesn't matter who the next person is in your life they aren't going to get away with what the last one did. Why not? Because you will get away with it first.