Fat Man's Secret

The World's Fattest Man, Gilbert Salvinski of Crabbage, Rhode Island, announced last Friday that he had incontestable proof that Sarah Palin, half-term Alaskan governor and failed vice-presidential candidate was, in fact, his lawful spouse.  "I forgive Sarah and all I want is for her to come back and be my wife again," the overfed Salvinski told reporters, with tears  in his eyes. The thirty-three-year old was selected the World's Fattest Man in 2009 weighing in at a whopping 595 lbs, beating out 2008 winner Morris Fecund of Henderson, Queensland, Australia by 87 pounds. Completely immobilized by mountains slabs of fat, Salvinski must be constantly vibrated by special equipment and washed and rinsed with sterilizing soaps three times a day by his mother to prevent fungal growth and bedsores. .

"I've let myself go."

"It's true," Salvinski admits, "I'm grown a bit large. I've let myself go. What can I say? It's what's inside that counts and I've got a lot going on inside too. Sarah used to tell this to me but I wonder if she believes that any more."

His 78- year-old mother, Dora, wearily agrees, "All's I know is he didn't get like this until he heard the Sarah Louis Heath was married to the Palin fellow up there in Alaska. I guess it just broke' his spirit and he started in eating and boy, I want to tell you, he can eat."

Salvinski points to a framed photo on the wall. It's a younger Gilbert in a football uniform. "I wasn't always like this, you know, Gilbert explains."In high school I was a first string quarterback. You should have seen my shoulders. And I used to have an impressive six-pack too. I used to be so proud and vain." Back then, Sarah was a cheerleader for the football team so they were often thrown together, especially on "away" games. "After a few months, we decided to tie the knot. But her father never liked me much so we eloped and drove to a justice of the peace. It was very romantic."

Then, according to Slavinski, Sarah must have had a change of heart. One Saturday, during practice, I twisted my ankle pretty bad. I was taken to emergency and they had to operate. I was out of it for the next week or so. Missed graduation and everything. I thought Sarah was angry at me because she never visited or called me at the hospital."

"She never stayed any place long."

Later I learned she had gone with her friends to Hawaii where she had decided to enroll in university. I sold everything I own to get out there but by that time, she was in another school. I tracked her from state to state, university to university. She never stayed any place long."

Finally, Slavinski made a decision to get on with his life, but he never lost hope that his one true love might return. That voice haunted him, he says, like the sound of a hoot owl or a braying donkey in the desert. Best friend, Shelia Trappet said, "Some people take to drink, others take to gambling. With Gil, it was Bacon and Cheese Burritos and Peanut Butter  Crème Pie.    "I just hope and pray that Puddin- that's what I used to call her- will drop all this liberal politicking and come to her senses. She needs to settle down with my mother and me. Cooking and looking after me is a full time job and maybe if the doctors permit, we can even start thinking about making babies. She's not all that old yet." According to the roly-poly record-holder, his marriage certificate and other documentation confirming his claims are with his lawyer and will remain there until they decide the next step. "I'd prefer her to come back because she wants to. Because it's the right thing to do. I mean, I don't want to force myself on Sarah." Sarah Palin has issued no statement about Salvinski claims.

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