Attack of the Clones

"We are taking this very seriously," says Dr. Holden Steady of the Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases in Jubber, Indiana. "It has already affected millions of Americans and as yet, there's no vaccine or treatment." The source of the outbreak has been pinpointed to a facility in upstate New York, where experiments were conducted throughout last decade. The goal of the top secret tests, sponsored by DARPA- Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, was to create a clone by utilizing parts of a normal cold virus with a stem cells from a donor. Once inside the host's body, the viral infection transfers and replaces the host DNA with donor's, effectively producing an exact clone of the donor. According to unconfirmed reports, the donor DNA was harvested from the failed vice-presidential Republican candidate, Sarah Palin. While a student in one of the many universities she says she attended, Palin participated in a scientific experiment which required a sample of her DNA.

"I guess we screwed up It happens now and then."

This sample was frozen for nearly thirty years and when medical technicians heard of the sample, they requested it to use in one of their own advanced laboratory trials. "We just thought it would be easier to identify the characteristics of such a well-known personality.

She is somebody whose face is everywhere you turn anyway. We just thought we'd be able to spot the infection easier,"stated one unnamed lab technician. "I guess we screwed up. It happens now and then. There's no use in pointing fingers." Although the research facility maintains that its scientists followed every protocol, clearly there were lapses in security. "When one of the lab assistants was examining an infected mice, she was bitten on the finger. The infected mice tend to be quite aggressive and hard to handle, even by experts. The lab assistant reported the breach and was isolated. It was, however, too late to stop the transmission of the Palin virus,"explained Dr. Kirby Malone of Stanford University. "Classified documents show that the lab assistant (whose name has been withheld for privacy reasons) eventually lost all of her own identity and became, what company officials called, 'a 95% Palin clone.' Different strains of the disease have been reported but all show similar cloning capabilities. If scientists fears are true, we could see a whole generation of Sarah Palin clones in our society. All of them with her DNA. It's a frightening possibility unless we do something to stop it." By the use of blood analysis kits in major hospitals and clinics scientists have been able to chart the spread and report that the disease has been confined to various urban areas in the American Southwest, including Arizona and Nevada and Texas. It is quite likely to spread all over the world if nothing is done, they say.

"Look at me. People ask me all the time if I am related to that…. woman."

Most of the patients are understandably frightened and angry. Take Alan Parish of Roanne Virginia. Exposed to the virus in the summer of 2010, Alan, a former bodybuilder and plumber, has been unable to find a job. "Look at me. People ask me all the time if I am related to that… woman. They talk about the resemblance. I mean, I know it," Alan said as his right eye twitched in an uncontrollable wink.

Yolanda Hernedez, 22, of Riverton Colorado can relate,"I have lost all my friends because of this damned disease. And the only people who want to spend any time with me now are the other people who have caught it. I hate it. We sit around and talk nonsense all day and try to steal the spotlight from one another." Psychological symptoms include a noticeable verbal incoherence, similar to Tourette's syndrome, and inability to focus on one subject at a time, mild episodes of paranoia, a desperate need for attention, a heightened level of impulsive and erratic behavior. Additonally those infected with the Palin virus tend to lose their color perception and see things in black and white and in much less detail. Depth perception is often affected as well. Advanced symptoms include a disregard for the feelings of loved ones and family. Often sufferers will feel victimized although it is really more related to their own behavior.

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